Wise Words I

  • Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  • Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
  • I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
  • Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
  • I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.
  • I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
  • There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead‘s.
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • I am nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
  • Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
  • How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  • Why are most nudist people you don’t want to see naked?
  • Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
  • Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words, “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
  • A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn that was fun!
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